Thứ Sáu, 5 tháng 8, 2016

20 Best Personal Development Books to Skyrocket Your Success

Personal development is such a nebulous topic. In reality every single book on this (now 200+ title) list is a great self-development book.
For the sake of this list, my choices for this section all revolve around books that are more about igniting passion and giving ideas rather than a step-by-step action plan. This list includes, the grandfathers of all self help books, and it also has some of the modern masters of inspiration, education and self-empowerment.
These books all DO have actionable steps to take, you will learn things, but I feel that their true purpose is as inspiration and motivation.

1. The Success Principles by Jack Canfield

Any avid reader of self-help books will recognize Jack Canfield. Creator of the popular motivational “Chicken Soup for the Soul” series, Jack has been inspiring people for years. In “Success Principles”, Jack gives 65 methods for transforming your life. If you are looking for a single self-help book that gives you a ton of great ideas on how to improve your life and your success, this would be the one.
However, die-hard personal development fans may find some of these ideas to be rehashed versions of ideas they have heard before, not fresh new ideas. The principles are repeated here due to the simple fact that they work! Even if you know all 65 principles before buying the book, I believe it can be an excellent refresher on things you need to do to achieve the success you desire.

2. Think and Grow Rich: (Revised and Updated for the 21st Century) by Napoleon Hill

It could be very easy to think that a book about achieving success written 80 years ago and based on the success principles of men like Andrew Carnegie, Thomas Edison and Henry Ford would be stale and out of date, like a dry history lesson. This simply is not true.  While there are admittedly parts where you have to substitute modern methods of execution for old fashioned counterparts, the basic principles themselves are based on human nature and just as true today as they were 80 years ago.
This book is a classic and for good reason. Over the past 80 years many successful people have read this book and gained from it knowledge and insight that have helped them to achieve their own success. When a self-improvement book sticks around for as long as this one has, there has to be a reason for its longevity and success.

3. The Power of Positive Thinking by Dr. Norman Vincent Peale

Most people who achieve any degree of success will tell you that attitude is a big part of the success equation. Positive thinking will not magically make success happen, as this books “successor” The Secret, would have you believe, but positive thinking can put you into position to make the most of it when it happens. So skip the “Secret” and go write to the first (and best) book on getting your mind right for success.
One slight negative is that many people complain because of some of the religious overtones of the book. While Dr. Peale is clearly a faithful Christian, I believe this book has merit for you regardless of personal faith. Just listen to the good advice.
Note: some of you may like The Secret. I mean no offense to you in this review.  The positivity aspect of the book is fine, I simply have a problem with the idea that the “universe will deliver” success. I believe the only way you get success is to go out and work for it. Let’s agree to disagree.

4. Outliers: The Story of Success by Malcolm Gladwell

Outliers takes a scientific look at what it actually takes to achieve success. Unlike some of the other books on this list, it does not give a specific list of the things you need to do to achieve success. It looks at very interesting anecdotes that support the main point of the book, that success is not achieved by luck, attitude or even skill, but that the only real measurement is the time we put into our skills. People who achieve higher degrees of success almost always have more time building the skills they use for their success.
This book is quite interesting with some really good stories and anecdotes. It is an enjoyable read.

5. Getting Things Done: The Art of Stress Free Productivity by David Allen

I am not by nature an organized person. Due to this fact I would say that reading GTD for the first time was a life changing experience. Allen gives solid advice on how to plan all the aspects of a hectic life (both business and personal).
This book comes with a solution to all the chaos life throws your way. It can help you stay organized and on top of everything. I do not currently follow all the tenants of GTD. I have incorporated a more web based approach as I discuss in my book on Evernote.  But I still feel Getting Things Done is a must read, even if you discard his specific approaches, the core ideas will still shed light on many ways to be more productive.

6. The Power of Full Engagement: Managing Energy, Not Time, Is the Key to High Performance and Personal Renewal by Jim Leohr and Tony Schwartz

Everyone thinks time is the enemy. I can’t count how many times I have heard, “I don’t have time for that” or “I wish I had the time”. The central idea of this book is that people have it backwards. Loehr and Schwartz state that energy is the key, not time.
Success is about creating a series of “life-sprints” not a marathon. By laser focusing on tasks, then completely resting, you actually can get a lot more done in less time and live a happier and more fulfilling life at the same time. This book makes some excellent points. The next time you hear yourself saying, “I don’t have time” to do something important, you should reach for a copy of this book.  Unless you don’t have time for that… then I can’t help you.

7. How to Win Friends & Influence People by Dale Carnegie

Just like the previous entry, “Think and Grow Rich” Carnegies book is another classic from the 1930s that still packs a ton of truth bombs in it’s nearly 90 year old pages. While T&GR was about the principles of success, Carnegie discusses the personal habits that lead to success. Included are:  the twelve ways to convert people to your way of thinking, six ways to make people like you, and the nine ways to change people’s opinions without arousing resentment.
Regardless of what you intend to do with your life, other people will always be there. Carnegie gives you the tools to effectively recruit others to your cause, rather than have them potentially be obstacles. A must read classic on dealing with other people.

8. The 4-Hour Workweek: Escape 9-5, Live Anywhere, and Join the New Rich by Timothy Ferris

I have to admit, I have a few mixed feeling on Tim Ferris in general. On one hand, let’s face it, the guy is a bit of jerk. Additionally while there is some great information, it might not pertain much to people who just want more from their 9-5 lifestyle, and are not really into the idea of a “digital lifestyle”.
On the other hand, however, this book does an excellent job of challenging people to rethink the status quo and evaluate how to make the most of their time. Time does an great job of explaining how to make the most of the digital lifestyle, how to get started with this business and does it all with a fierce energy that will get you motivated.
If the idea of making a living online appeals, this book should be a must read, and is likely already on your bookshelf. If you are just looking for tidbits to develop your personal productivity, attitude or health, this might be a book you can miss.

 9. Crush It! Why NOW Is the Time to Cash In on Your Passion- by Gary Vaynerchuk

Crush It! has a few problems these days. Mainly is that the core idea of the book,  fresh and new when it was first released, has become a bit dated. Most people have come to understand the revolutionary power of Social Media and the effect this can have on any and every single business.
However, a good portion of this book is also about following your dreams and turning your passion in a career. While this book no longer imparts what I would call “new” information, it is still extremely motivational. Gary Vaynerchuk has an incredible amount of energy and reading what he has to say is sure to get you motivated to get out and conquer the world.

10. Let Go! by Pat Flynn

Let Go!” is Pat Flynn’s inspiring story.  If you do not know Pat, he is a normal guy, trained as an architect who began to work as an online entrepreneur when the architect business got rough. In this inspiring story Pat shares the challenges he faced and the keys to his success.
Much like “Crush It” the value of the specific lessons are of less value than the inspiration it can give you to achieve success. If you want specific’s for achieving success through Pat’s methodology his podcasts and website are chocked full of actionable information.

11. Habit Stacking: 97 Small Life Changes That Take Five Minutes or Less by Steve Scott

Yes, that’s me. I would like to include my own book in this list because I think it has a lot of value. Habit stacking is based on a method to incorporate small habits into daily life. These small habits are easy individually, but are often the sort of things that “fall through the cracks” in a hectic life.
While it is very hard to add dozens of new habits to a daily routine, habit stacking helps you do just that, by doing these small tasks in a block you can plan for the time to act on these tasks in your daily schedule and stick firm to implementing these habits on a daily basis.

12. Choose Yourself! Be Happy, Make Millions, Live the Dream by James Altucher

The climate of business and personal success is changing. The times when going to college, working a job for 40 years and retiring a success are evaporating before our eyes. Altucher shows a path to creating art, make money and achieve success through non-traditional methods.
Altucher’s sense of humor and brutal honesty make this book a great read. He doesn’t pull any punches even sharing many of his personal failures as well as successes.

13. Awaken the Giant Within: How to Take Immediate Control of Your Mental, Emotional, Physical and Financial by Tony Robbins

This is another book I struggled with the decision of whether to place on this list. On one hand Robbins has always seemed to me to be as much of a salesman of change as he is someone with fresh ideas. However, there is no denying that this book covers some important ground while still being inspirational.
Robbin’s point with this book is to take charge of your life in all the important ways: emotional, physical, mental and financial. All of these important parts dovetail together and work with each other for you to achieve greater success. Only when you are at the peak of performance in all categories can you truly be your best self.

14. Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience by Mihaly Csikszentmihaly

Have you ever felt on the top of your game? Answers and ideas flow freely. You feel energized and alert. You feel happy and content. You are in control. This is a state Dr. Csikszentmihaly refers to as “flow”
The flow state happens to everyone from time to time, but it can be engineered to happen more frequently and when it does the happiness, content and satisfaction it brings can have a lasting halo effect on our lives. Part science and part philosophy this book does an exceptional job of relating to us not only how to get more done, but how to live happier and fuller lives due to having an understanding of the “Flow.”

15. 177 Mental Toughness Secrets of the World Class by Steve Siebold

This book is great at what it is, a summary of all the current thinking in the realm of peak performance. While not groundbreaking, it digests hundreds of self-help and personal development books and relays the important pieces succinctly and clearly. A wonderful book that will save you time and money giving you the highlights of the best modern thinking on the subject of improving your personal performance in all aspects of life.

 16. Why We Do What We Do:Understanding Self-Motivation by Edward L. Deci

One of the keys to success in life is self-motivation. Most people will perform when they have to at work or at home. Self-motivation means going that extra mile and not needing the external commitments to get things done. When you can become self-motivated, achievement will follow as surely as the sun rises in the east.
But self-motivation is not something that is always as easy as it might sound. Deci showcases all the current science on the subject of motivation and explains the hows and whys in simple to understand terms.  You likely have ideas of what motivates you already, but reading this book will give you a clean and clear understanding of your motivation.

17. Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking by Susan Cain

Being an introvert I kept saying. “That’s right” and “So True” constantly while reading this book. Another book on this list, “How to Win Friends and Influence People” does a great job of showcasing the importance of being a “people person” and how this can lead to success. However, this advice introverts (myself included) have a hard time following. Being the loudest and driving your ideas home to others does not necessarily make your ideas the best.
Susan Cain has a book that can make any introvert proud of their nature. She shows ways many introverts have achieved high levels of success, even in “people person” positions of authority. This is an important read for introverts to understand why we act the way we do and an important book for extroverts to help them understand the remaining 1/3 of the population.

18. Virtual Freedom: How to Work with Virtual Staff to Buy More Time, Become More Productive, and Build Your Dream Business by Chris Ducker

This is a personal development book for a fairly narrow niche. These days many tasks can be outsourced and delegated, specifically if you have your own business or side hustle. Trying to do everything yourself is not a growth mindset. This book lays out clear paths to outsourcing significant amount of work in a methodical manner.
If you have no need for outsourcing this book is not for you. However if you have ever thought about the possibilities of outsourcing mundane tasks, then this book should be a must read.

19. Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion, Revised Edition by Dr. Robert Cialdini

Why do people say yes? Why do they buy things? Dr. Cialdini’s classic book shows the science behind why people are persuaded.
This book will help you understand the importance of social proof, scarcity, authority, reciprocation and more on others and how it can help you to get the important “yes” or purchase in your business or at work. People’s decisions are often not made by a rational argument and well laid out plans.  It is important to truly understand why people really choose the way they do.

20. The Now HabitA Strategic Program for Overcoming Procrastination and Enjoying Guilt-Free Play

Procrastination is a problem that plagues many people. I might even be bold enough to say that MOST people suffer from procrastination from time to time. It is human nature.
However, there are good scientific reasons why people procrastinate and just as many good science backed methods to overcome procrastination. Dr. Neil Fiore gives an exhaustive overview of why we procrastinate and what we can do about overcoming procrastination.

 Resource: developgoodhabits

Thứ Năm, 4 tháng 8, 2016

10 Goals You Should Accomplish in 10 Years

“If we all did the things we are capable of, we would astound ourselves.” – Thomas Edison.
Life and everything in it revolves around balanced equations. The numbers are critical. Just the slightest imbalance and big issues arise. Keeping this in mind, when setting personal goals we should first take stock of where we already are. Perhaps you have done quite well financially, but your personal relationships are severely lacking. Maybe your marriage is secure and amicable, but in the area of romance the fire has long dimmed. We need to take an honest assessment of where we have succeeded and where we have failed. Then we can determine how to proceed forward. With this in mind, here are 10 primary goals to accomplish in the next 10 years of your life plan.
1. Marriage and Family Harmony
Maintaining and expanding, as well as restoring and healing in this area, should absolutely be a top priority in your personal goals. Pinpoint the relationships in the direst condition. It could be your marriage is in severe trouble. Possibly your relationship with your ex-wife creates great pain in your entire family. Perhaps it’s effective communication issues with your children. Wherever the danger points are, the goal is to determine them and devise a plan on resolving the issues. Be sure to highlight where you have succeeded as well, and how you might grow those seeds elsewhere. The goal is a family living in peace and harmony.
2. Proper Mindset and Balance
What is your attitude like? Are you overly aggressive and abrasive? Timid and self-defeating? Your mindset needs to be in proper balance. Too much or too little of any one particular ingredient can send you in the wrong directions. Personal growth occurs as we begin to learn exactly who we are. Our strengths and our weaknesses. Smart goals are ones we set that evolve us in a positive fashion. Carefully consider the man you truly want to be, and set your sights on how to achieve it.
3. Commitment to Improved Physical Health
A good place to start when talking about life goals is to make sure you actually have a life 10 years from now. That certainly starts with good physical health. There are no guarantees on living a long life, but it is possible to greatly increase your odds. Listen to your doctor when he tells you to lose those 25 extra pounds. Create an exercise plan that you enjoy and relish. Make sure that 10 years from now you are as vibrant and capable as you are right now.
4. Career Passion and Personal Satisfaction
When people set goals, they almost always look towards their careers first. That is a mistake, but that’s not to say your career isn’t important, because it certainly is. Are you a workaholic? On the flip side, are you lazy and uninspired? Once again, balance is required to fully reach your career potential, no matter what it is you do. Employers respond very positively to employees they can trust. Healthy attitudes, strong aptitude and good people skills are essential to “get ahead.” The 10 year goal here should be to passionately enjoy your chosen profession while maintaining excellent balance between home and work.
5. Discovering Your Softer Side
Balance. Obviously the operative word in this entire piece. As men, we tend to chug along aspiring to be what men should be. Strong, protective and determined providers. But what about the other side? The softer side of life. Compassion and gentleness. Tenderness when required. The ability to tell the people that mean the most to us that we love them. You can change your life instantly for the better by taking off your armor from time to time. 10 years from now strive to become fully complete emotionally. Strive to be Superman.
6. Financial Stability
At every turn you hear talk about financial discipline or lack thereof. In Washington, in the states, in local government and in your own home, financial matters are of top concern. Getting your “financial house” in order is an essential priority in your 10 year planning. Strive to dramatically lower or eliminate your debt. Increase your savings and build on your family security. Check out All-Pro Dad friend Dave Ramsey for great advice in this area.
7. Service and Social Responsibility
Despite our severe issues, America is still the wealthiest nation on Earth. We have a duty and responsibility to do good works with our blessings. For instance, Coach Tony Dungy places a high priority on mentoring. Research and discover an area of need that ignites your passions. Create a 10 year plan to become permanently active in the needs of your community, and include your entire family.
8. Stress-Busting Leisure Time
We have talked about healing family relationships, moving ahead in your career, straightening out your finances, serving others, but how about a little “you” time? Stress is a cold thug killer. It is of utmost importance that time is set aside to relax and just enjoy life. However you see fit to do so is up to you. Just make sure that in your 10 year planning, leisure is included.
9. Continuing Education
Every day lived is another piece of your education. What are you doing with the knowledge you have absorbed? 10 years from now you will not be the same man and have the same thoughts. That process needs to be focused and nurtured. Do not fear change, because it’s going to come anyway. Embrace it and shape it instead. Set your goals so that 10 years from now you are wiser, more adaptable and more complete.
10. Expanding and Growing Faith
With all due respect to the readers who consider faith a silly notion, it is the most important item on this list. Without faith, a deep belief in meaning and purpose greater than you, this whole list is pretty much pointless. If there is nothing greater and nothing beyond, then who really cares about any of this? Start and finish your 10 year planning based on growing your faith and becoming the man God created you to be. Ultimately, it’s not 10 years from now you should be worried about. Eternal salvation is the end goal.
Resource:allprodad.com

Thứ Ba, 2 tháng 8, 2016

Short Term Goal Examples That May Change Your Life

short term goal examples
short term goal examples
short term goal examples
A short term goal is any goal that you set for yourself that can be accomplished within 12 months, and may even be accomplished the day you set that goal. Usually these short term goals are smaller parts of bigger, longer term goals that you break down into more manageable parts. Without these short term goals, bigger, life altering changes become harder to envision and, as a result, probably won’t get done. Today we are discussing some examples of short term goals to set for yourself in several different facets of your life. If setting goals is something you have difficulty doing,this article contains a goal setting worksheet, and this course on the basics of goal setting might help make this tough process a little easier for you.
The following aspects of life represent important areas that most people want to improve upon, but view them as daunting because they require a lot of time and effort to accomplish. That may be true, but once broken down into smaller, more manageable components, then the big picture starts to fall into place. Think of these short-term goals as tools to not only better yourself, but to achieve those bigger, loftier goals.

Career Goals

You not only want to enhance your own experience at work, but also the experiences of those around you, and not just your boss’. If those around you are happy, chances are you will be happier, too, and a happy work environment is one where people thrive and succeed. If you’re stuck in a career rut, this course on how to change your career will provide you with five steps that will change your life.
  • Show up to work on time
  • Increase your speed and accuracy
  • Finish your projects in a timely manner
  • If others try to contact you, make sure you respond quickly
  • Manage your time better
  • Keep your workplace tidy and clean
  • Have a good attitude
  • Keep your resume updated
  • Learn new skills
  • Try to cut costs
  • Keep breaks at minimum
  • Recognize and appreciate others’ work
  • Get rid of work-related stress

Personal Development Goals

Mastering this part of your life will have an effect on both you and your loved ones. These will be the most personal and longest lasting goals, and you should never stop trying to improve yourself.
  • Restructure your priorities
  • Hang out with friends more often
  • Visit your family more
  • Volunteer your time
  • Haver a better outlook on life
  • Identify your values and stick to them
  • Read more
  • Learn how to do more things
  • Enhance your quality of life
  • Stay away from negativity
  • Stay away from stress stressful situations
  • Work on communication
  • Avoid conflict
  • Go to the doctor
  • Eat better

Financial Goals

The true mark of a fully functioning adult member of society is having your finances in order. Realizing your means, then living within them is deceptively tough to do, but will eliminate a lot of stress from your life. If this area is particularly difficult for you, then you might want to check out this course on setting financial goals.
  • Set up a checking and savings account
  • Set up a daily, weekly, and monthly budget for yourself
  • Cut out unnecessary spending
  • Get help from an investment advisor
  • Eliminate any debt you may have
  • Save up for a vacation
  • Make sure you have money coming in
  • Live within your means
  • Take advantage of any automatic services your bank may offer, like ones that pay bills or put money into savings automatically
  • Keep track of all transactions

Fitness Goals

This is one of the toughest places to improve, but also the one that will have the longest lasting benefits. That gym membership you buy online tonight will have you living a few extra years down the line.
  • Set up a workout routine that you not only follow, but update as you workout more
  • Set monthly weight loss or cardio goals
  • Walk or bike to work, or get off the bus a few blocks early
  • Get a personal trainer
  • Buy a gym membership
  • Find a good way to distract/motivate yourself while working out, i.e. an mp3 player, books on tape, etc.
  • Buy new shoes
  • Buy a workout outfit
Hopefully we were able to motivate and inspire you to take care of something big that’s been hanging over your head that you’ve been wanting to accomplish. If you still think you don’t have what it takes to take care of the important things in life, then this course on goal sticking may just give you that extra push to help you not only set goals, but reach them, then reap the success that comes with the accomplishment.
Resource: blog.udemy.com

Thứ Hai, 1 tháng 8, 2016

TOTALLY COMMUNICATION SKILLS

On a daily basis we work with people who have different opinions, values, beliefs, and needs than our own. Our ability to exchange ideas with others, understand others' perspectives, solve problems and successfully utilize the steps and processes presented in this training will depend significantly on how effectively we are able to communicate with others.
The act of communicating involves verbal, nonverbal, and paraverbal components. The verbal component refers to the content of our message‚ the choice and arrangement of our words. The nonverbal component refers to the message we send through our body language. The paraverbal component refers to how we say what we say - the tone, pacing and volume of our voices.
In order to communicate effectively, we must use all three components to do two things:
1. Send clear, concise messages.
2. Hear and correctly understand messages someone is sending to us.
Communication Involves Three Components:
1. Verbal Messages - the words we choose
2. Paraverbal Messages - how we say the words
3. Nonverbal Messages - our body language

These Three Components Are Used To:
1. Send Clear, Concise Messages
2. Receive and Correctly Understand Messages Sent to Us.
Our use of language has tremendous power in the type of atmosphere that is created at the problem-solving table. Words that are critical, blaming, judgmental or accusatory tend to create a resistant and defensive mindset that is not conducive to productive problem solving. On the other hand, we can choose words that normalize the issues and problems and reduce resistance. Phrases such as "in some districts, people may . . .", "it is not uncommon for . . ." and "for some folks in similar situations" are examples of this.
listen
Sending effective messages requires that we state our point of view as briefly and succinctly as possible. Listening to a rambling, unorganized speaker is tedious and discouraging - why continue to listen when there is no interchange? Lengthy dissertations and circuitous explanations are confusing to the listener and the message loses its concreteness, relevance, and impact. This is your opportunity to help the listener understand YOUR perspective and point of view. Choose your words with the intent of making your message as clear as possible, avoiding jargon and unnecessary, tangential information.
Effective Verbal Messages:
1. Are brief, succinct, and organized
2. Are free of jargon
3. Do not create resistance in the listener
The power of nonverbal communication cannot be underestimated. In his book, Silent Messages, Professor Albert Mehrabian says the messages we send through our posture, gestures, facial expression, and spatial distance account for 55% of what is perceived and understood by others. In fact, through our body language we are always communicating, whether we want to or not!
You cannot not communicate.
Nonverbal messages are the primary way that we communicate emotions:
Facial Expression: The face is perhaps the most important conveyor of emotional information. A face can light up with enthusiasm, energy, and approval, express confusion or boredom, and scowl with displeasure. The eyes are particularly expressive in telegraphing joy, sadness, anger, or confusion.
faces
Postures and Gestures: Our body postures can create a feeling of warm openness or cold rejection. For example, when someone faces us, sitting quietly with hands loosely folded in the lap, a feeling of anticipation and interest is created. A posture of arms crossed on the chest portrays a feeling of inflexibility. The action of gathering up one's materials and reaching for a purse signals a desire to end the conversation.
postures
Nonverbal Messages:
1. Account for about 55% of what is perceived and understood by others.
2. Are conveyed through our facial expressions as well as our postures and gestures.
Paraverbal communication refers to the messages that we transmit through the tone, pitch, and pacing of our voices. It is how we say something, not what we say. Professor Mehrabian states that the paraverbal message accounts for approximately 38% of what is communicated to someone. A sentence can convey entirely different meanings depending on the emphasis on words and the tone of voice. For example, the statement, "I didn't say you were stupid" has six different meanings, depending on which word is emphasized.
messages
Some points to remember about our paraverbal communication:
When we are angry or excited, our speech tends to become more rapid and higher pitched.
When we are bored or feeling down, our speech tends to slow and take on a monotone quality.
When we are feeling defensive, our speech is often abrupt.
Paraverbal Messages:
1. Account for about 38% of what is perceived and understood by others.
2. Include the tone, pitch, and pacing of our voice
In all of our communications we want to strive to send consistent verbal, paraverbal and nonverbal messages. When our messages are inconsistent, the listener may become confused. Inconsistency can also create a lack of trust and undermine the chance to build a good working relationship.
When a person sends a message with conflicting verbal, paraverbal and nonverbal information, the nonverbal information tends to be believed. Consider the example of someone, through a clenched jaw, hard eyes, and steely voice, telling you they're not mad. Which are you likely to believe? What you see or what you hear?
The key to receiving messages effectively is listening. Listening is a combination of hearing what another person says and psychological involvement with the person who is talking. Listening requires more than hearing words. It requires a desire to understand another human being, an attitude of respect and acceptance, and a willingness to open one's mind to try and see things from another's point of view.
Listening requires a high level of concentration and energy. It demands that we set aside our own thoughts and agendas, put ourselves in another's shoes and try to see the world through that person's eyes. True listening requires that we suspend judgment, evaluation, and approval in an attempt to understand another is frame of reference, emotions, and attitudes. Listening to understand is, indeed, a difficult task!
Often, people worry that if they listen attentively and patiently to a person who is saying something they disagree with, they are inadvertently sending a message of agreement.
When we listen effectively we gain information that is valuable to understanding the problem as the other person sees it. We gain a greater understanding of the other person's perception. After all, the truth is subjective and a matter of perception. When we have a deeper understanding of another's perception, whether we agree with it or not, we hold the key to understanding that person's motivation, attitude, and behavior. We have a deeper understanding of the problem and the potential paths for reaching agreement.
receivingmessages
Listening
1. Requires concentration and energy
2. Involves a psychological connection with the speaker
3. Includes a desire and willingness to try and see things from another's perspective
4. Requires that we suspend judgment and evaluation
"Listening in dialogue is listening more to meaning than to words . . .In true listening, we reach behind the words, see through them, to find the person who is being revealed. Listening is a search to find the treasure of the true person as revealed verbally and nonverbally. There is the semantic problem, of course. The words bear a different connotation for you than they do for me. Consequently, I can never tell you what you said, but only what I heard. I will have to rephrase what you have said, and check it out with you to make sure that what left your mind and heart arrived in my mind and heart intact and without distortion."
- John Powell, theologian
Learning to be an effective listener is a difficult task for many people. However, the specific skills of effective listening behavior can be learned. It is our ultimate goal to integrate these skills into a sensitive and unified way of listening.
Key Listening Skills:
Nonverbal:
Giving full physical attention to the speaker;
Being aware of the speaker's nonverbal messages;
Verbal:
Paying attention to the words and feelings that are being expressed;
Using reflective listening tools such as paraphrasing, reflecting, summarizing, and questioning to increase understanding of the message and help the speaker tell his story.
Attending is the art and skill of giving full, physical attention to another person. In his book, People Skills, Robert Bolton, Ph.D., refers to it as "listening with the whole body".
Effective attending is a careful balance of alertness and relaxation that includes appropriate body movement, eye contact, and "posture of involvement". Fully attending says to the speaker, "What you are saying is very important. I am totally present and intent on understanding you". We create a posture of involvement by:
Leaning gently towards the speaker;
Facing the other person squarely;
Maintaining an open posture with arms and legs uncrossed;
Maintaining an appropriate distance between us and the speaker;
Moving our bodies in response to the speaker, i.e., appropriate head nodding, facial expressions.
listening
As psychiatrist Franklin Ernst, Jr. writes in his book, Who's Listening?".
"To listen is to move. To listen is to be moved by the talker - physically and psychologically . . . The non-moving, unblinking person can reliably be estimated to be a non-listener . . . When other visible moving has ceased and the eyeblink rate has fallen to less than once in six seconds, listening, for practical purposes, has stopped."
When we pay attention to a speaker's body language we gain insight into how that person is feeling as well as the intensity of the feeling. Through careful attention to body language and paraverbal messages, we are able to develop hunches about what the speaker (or listener) is communicating. We can then, through our reflective listening skills, check the accuracy of those hunches by expressing in our own words, our impression of what is being communicated.
In order to understand the total meaning of a message, we must be able to gain understanding about both the feelingand the content of the message. We are often more comfortable dealing with the content rather than the feelings (i.e., the relationship), particularly when the feelings are intense. Our tendency is to try and ignore the emotional aspect of the message/conflict and move directly to the substance of the issues.
payingattention
This can lead to an escalation of intense emotions. It may be necessary to deal directly with the relationship problem by openly acknowledging and naming the feelings and having an honest discussion about them prior to moving into the substantive issues. If we leave the emotional aspect unaddressed, we risk missing important information about the problem as well as derailing the communication process.
Reflective listening or responding is the process of restating, in our words, the feeling and/or content that is being expressed and is part of the verbal component of sending and receiving messages. By reflecting back to the speaker what we believe we understand, we validate that person by giving them the experience of being heard and acknowledged. We also provide an opportunity for the speaker to give us feedback about the accuracy of our perceptions, thereby increasing the effectiveness of our overall communication.
Paraphrasing - This is a concise statement of the content of the speaker's message. A paraphrase should be brief, succinct, and focus on the facts or ideas of the message rather than the feeling. The paraphrase should be in the listener's own words rather than "parroting back", using the speaker's words.
"You believe that Jane needs an instructional assistant because she isn't capable of working independently."
"You would like Bob to remain in first grade because you think the activities would be more developmentally appropriate."
"You do not want Beth to receive special education services because you think it would be humiliating for her to leave the classroom at any time."
"You want to evaluate my child because you think he may have an emotional disability.
Reflecting Feeling - The listener concentrates on the feeling words and asks herself, "How would I be feeling if I was having that experience?" She then restates or paraphrases the feeling of what she has heard in a manner that conveys understanding.
"You are very worried about the impact that an evaluation might have on Lisa's self esteem".
"You are frustrated because dealing with Ben has taken up so much of your time, you feel like you've ignored your other students."
"You feel extremely angry about the lack of communication you have had in regards to Joe's failing grades."
"You're upset because you haven't been able to get in touch with me when I'm at work."
Summarizing - The listener pulls together the main ideas and feelings of the speaker to show understanding. This skill is used after a considerable amount of information sharing has gone on and shows that the listener grasps the total meaning of the message. It also helps the speaker gain an integrated picture of what she has been saying.
"You're frustrated and angry that the assessment has taken so long and confused about why the referral wasn't made earlier since that is what you thought had happened. You are also willing to consider additional evaluation if you can choose the provider and the school district will pay for it".
"You're worried that my son won't make adequate progress in reading if he doesn't receive special services. And you feel that he needs to be getting those services in the resource room for at least 30 minutes each day because the reading groups in the classroom are bigger and wouldn't provide the type of instruction you think he needs."
A number of other verbal tools encourage communication and facilitate the goal of gaining a more thorough understanding of another's perspective:
Questioning - the listener asks open ended questions (questions which can't be answered with a "yes" or a "no") to get information and clarification. This helps focus the speaker on the topic, encourages the speaker to talk, and provides the speaker the opportunity to give feedback.
"Can you tell us more about Johnny's experience when he's in the regular classroom?"
"How was it for Susie when she rode the special ed. bus for those two weeks?"
"Tell us more about the afterschool tutoring sessions."
"What kinds of skills do you think are important for Jim to learn in a social skills class?"
"Could you explain why you think itís difficult for Ben to be on the playground for an hour?"
"I'm confused - are you worried that the testing may mean time out of the classroom for Jim or is there something else?"
Verbal Communication Tools
1. Paraphrasing - a brief, succinct statement reflecting the content of the speakerís message.
2. Reflecting Feeling - a statement, in a way that conveys understanding, of the feeling that the listener has heard.
3. Summarizing - a statement of the main ideas and feelings to show understanding.
4. Questioning - asking open questions to gain information, encourage the speaker to tell her story, and gain clarification.
"A barrier to communication is something that keeps meanings from meeting. Meaning barriers exist between all people, making communication much more difficult than most people seem to realize. It is false to assume that if one can talk he can communicate. Because so much of our education misleads people into thinking that communication is easier than it is, they become discouraged and give up when they run into difficulty. Because they do not understand the nature of the problem, they do not know what to do. The wonder is not that communicating is as difficult as it is, but that it occurs as much as it does."
- Reuel Howe, theologian and educator
When people are under stress, they are more apt to inject communication barriers into their conversation. These barriers can exist in any of the three components of communication (verbal, paraverbal, and nonverbal). According to Thomas Gordon, author of the Parent Effectiveness Training program, people use communication barriers 90% of the time in conflict situations. For this reason, it is worthwhile to describe some of the common responses that will, inevitably, have a negative effect on communications:
1. Attacking (interrogating, criticizing, blaming, shaming)
"If you were doing your job and supervising Susie in the lunch line we probably wouldn't be in this situation, would we?"
"Have you followed through with the counseling we asked you to do? Have you gotten Ben to the doctor's for his medical checkup? Did you call and arrange for a Big Brother? Have you found out if you're eligible for food stamps?"
"From what I can see, you don't have the training to teach a child with ADHD. Obviously if you did you would be using different strategies that wouldn't make her feel like she's a bad person."
2. "You Messages" (moralizing, preaching, advising, diagnosing)
"You don't seem to understand how important it is for your child to get this help. Don't you see that he's well on his way to becoming a sociopath?"
"You obviously don't realize that if you were following the same steps we do at home you wouldn't be having this problem. You don't seem to care about whatís going on in this child's life outside of school."
3. Showing Power (ordering, threatening, commanding, directing)
"If you don't voluntarily agree to this evaluation we can take you to due process. Go ahead and file a complaint if you want to."
"I'm going to write a letter of complaint to the superintendent and have this in your file if you don't stop humiliating my son in front of his classmates. I know my rights."
4. Other Verbal Barriers: shouting, name calling, refusing to speak.
1. Flashing or rolling eyes
2. Quick or slow movements
3. Arms crossed, legs crossed
4. Gestures made with exasperation
5. Slouching, hunching over
6. Poor personal care
7. Doodling
8. Staring at people or avoiding eye contact
9. Excessive fidgeting with materials
communicationbarriers
All of these examples of barriers thwart communication, mutual understanding, respect, problem solving, and identifying solutions that will meet everyone's needs. They put a serious strain on relationships that ultimately need to be collaborative in order to most effectively meet the needs of our children. Use of these "communication errors" results in increased emotional distancing between the parties, escalation in the intensity of the conflict and a negative environment for everyone involved.
Effective Communication . . .
It is two way.
It involves active listening.
It reflects the accountability of speaker and listener.
It utilizes feedback.
It is free of stress.

Resource: directionservice.org