How to Read Body Language More Effectively

Body language is a huge part of how we communicate with other people. However, most of us only have an intuitive knowledge of non-verbal communication at best. Fortunately, if reading body language doesn't come naturally to you, or if you'd simply like to get better at it, there's a huge body of work that details what the body is really saying.

Read Body Language Through the Comfort/Discomfort Lens

For a lot of people, diving into the world of body language elicits the same reaction: "At last, I'll learn how to be a human lie detector!" It's hard to blame anyone for the impulse. However, contrary to what Cal Lightman would like us to believe, you can't tell exactly how a person is feeling just because their lip twitched or they crossed their arms. What you can do is gauge how much a person is comfortable. This comfort/discomfort spectrum is far more important than trying to identify a specific expression or guessing a particular thought in someone's head.

As Joe Navarro—a former FBI interrogator and expert in body language analysis and research—explains in his book What Every BODY is Saying:

Those who are lying or are guilty and must carry the knowledge of their lies and/or crimes with them find it difficult to achieve comfort, and their tension and distress may be readily observed. Attempting to disguise their guilt or deception places a very distressing cognitive load on them as they struggle to fabricate answers to what would otherwise be simple questions (DePaulo et al., 1985, 323–370). The more comfortable a person is when speaking with us, the easier it will be to detect the critical nonverbals of discomfort associated with deception. Your goal is to establish high comfort during the early part of any interaction or during "rapport building." This helps you to establish a baseline of behaviors during that period when the person, hopefully, does not feel threatened.

While he describes this dynamic in the context of lie-detection, it's the lens through which all body language can be interpreted. If you're at a party and everyone's enjoying themselves, a person in a chair, with their arms folded, and head down will stand out. They might seem uncomfortable and you might wonder if something is out of the ordinary. In response to this, you might ask if anything is wrong. That very same set of actions observed in someone in a hospital waiting room would be much less abnormal. Even if the person has nothing to worry about, hospitals can make people uncomfortable or nervous. Asking this person what's wrong could easily result in the very obvious reaction: "I'm in a hospital."

Observing how comfortable a person is in a particular context can give you clues as to how they feel. If you're on a first date and your partner seems comfortable, they're probably into you! If you're conducting a job interview and the applicant seems comfortable and confident during the process, but gets fidgety and nervous when you ask if they've stolen from previous employers, it might be something to inquire about further. Body language is not an exact science, but gauging comfort levels can give you clues about what's really going on in the minds of people around you.

The Basic Body Cues to Watch For

Most of our body parts are quietly communicating how we feel and what we want, whether we realize it or not. The following are some cues you can watch for to get an idea of how a person is feeling, but keep in mind the comfort/discomfort paradigm. No one behavior tells the whole story.

Head and Face

The first thing to understand about trying to read facial expressions is that they are not always the most honest. We'll get to which body part is the most honest later, but we are trained from a very young age that certain facial expressions and actions are appropriate for certain occasions, whether we feel them or not. However, there are still some cues you can glean from facial expressions.

One of the easiest to learn about (though still one of the hardest to accurately identify) is the "fake smile". As the Paul Ekman International blog (named for the pioneer in facial expression analysis Paul Ekman) explains, fake smiles—the kind we make because we're supposed to—are most often done with just the mouth. We know to raise the corners of our mouths to smile. A lot fewer of us are aware of how much our eyes are involved in a proper smile. In a real smile, our eyebrows, eyelids, and sometimes even our whole head turn upwards, along with the corners of our mouths. This test from the BBC can let you try your hand at telling the real smiles from the fake ones.

Pursed lips are another way to tell when someone is drifting over to the discomfort side of the spectrum. This is a favorite expression analysts like to point out whenever a politician is giving some form of confession. In cases like Anthony Weiner and Eliot Spitzer's confession speeches, both can be seen tightening their lips, pursing them to the point they nearly disappear.

These are just a couple of easy to identify facial gestures that can tell you a bit about what a person's feeling, but there are so many different variations that the face itself has its own coding system to gauge them all. And, as we've established, the face isn't always the most honest part of the body, which is why it's important to give equal (or more) attention to the rest of the body.

Arms

Our arms are heavily employed in self-expression. Many individual gestures can be taught or trained in us over time (such as "don't point at people"), but there are two more helpful aspects of arm and hand motion to observe: how much space they take up, and how high they reach.

Gravity-defying gestures, in any part of the body, are generally seen as positive. When we're happy, excited, or interested, we raise our heads or our chin, our arms go up, even our legs and feet start to point skyward or bounce if we're sitting. The arms are incredibly versatile at highlighting this behavior. As Navarro explains again:

When excited, we don't restrict our arm movements; in fact our natural tendency is to defy gravity and raise our arms high above our heads. When people are truly energized and happy, their arm motions defy gravity. As previously mentioned, gravity-defying behaviors are associated with positive feelings. When a person feels good or confident, he swings his arms affirmatively, such as while walking. It is the insecure person who subconsciously restrains his arms, seemingly unable to defy the weight of gravity.

Candidly tell a colleague about a drastic and costly mistake she just made at work and her shoulders and arms will sink down and droop. Ever have that "sinking feeling"? It's a limbic response to a negative event. Negative emotions bring us down physically. Not only are these limbic responses honest, but they happen in real time. We leap and thrust our arms in the air the moment the point is scored, or our shoulders and arms sink when a referee rules against us. These gravity-related behaviors communicate emotions accurately and at the precise moment we are affected. Further, these physical manifestations can be contagious, whether at a football stadium, a rock concert, or in a gathering of great friends.

Individual gestures of the hands may be helpful for communicating conscious thoughts—like a coach speaking in a non-verbal code to a player on the field—but when it comes to gauging the subconscious mood or comfort level of a person, gravity is where it's at.

Resource:http://lifehacker.com/

Top 10 Ways to Improve Your Communication Skills

Effective communication is one of the most important life skills we can learn—yet one we don’t usually put a lot of effort into. Whether you want to have better conversations in your social life or get your ideas across better at work, here are some essential tips for learning to to communicate more effectively.

10. Watch Your Body Language

You tell your partner you’re open to discussion but your arms are crossed; say you’re listening but haven’t looked up from your phone yet. Our non-verbal and non-written cues often reveal more than we think they do. Whether it’show you make eye contact or how you hold yourself during a video interview, don’t forget that you’re constantly communicating even when you’re not saying a word. One strange way to tap into your body for better communication? Think about your toes. Or adopt a power pose if you need to boost your confidence before a big talk. Or learn how to read other people’s body language so you can respond appropriately.

9. Get Rid of Unnecessary Conversation Fillers

Um’s and ah’s do little to improve your speech or everyday conversations. Cut them out to be more persuasive and feel or appear more confident. One way is to start keeping track of when you say words like “um” or “like.” You could also try taking your hands out of your pockets or simply relaxing and pausing before you speak. Those silences seem more awkward to you than they do to others, trust us.

8. Have a Script for Small Talk and Other Occasions

Small talk is an art that not many people have mastered. For the inevitable, awkward silences with people you hardly know, it helps to have a plan. TheFORD (family, occupation, recreation dreams) method might help you come up with topics to discuss, and you can also turn small talk into conversation by sharing information that could help you and the other person find common ground. Hey, all that small talk could make you happier in the long run.

7. Tell a Story

Stories are powerful. They activate our brains, make presentations suck less, make us more persuasive, and can even help us ace interviews. Learn the secrets of becoming a phenomenal storyteller with these rules from Pixar or by simply using the word “but” more to structure your narrative. Everyone’s got at least one great story in them.

Read more

6. Ask Questions and Repeat the Other Person

Let’s face it, we’ve all drifted off when someone else was talking or misheard the other person. Asking questions and repeating the other person’s last few words shows you’re interested in what they say, keeps you on your toes, and helps clarify points that could be misunderstood (e.g., “So to recap, you’re going to buy the tickets for Saturday?”).

It also helps for small talk and to fill in awkward silences. Instead of trying to stir up conversation on mundane topics like the weather, ask the other person questions (e.g., “Got any plans for the summer?” or “What are you reading lately?”) and engage in their answers. It’s more important to be interested than to be interesting.

5. Put Away the Distractions

It’s pretty rude to use your phone while someone’s talking to you or you’re supposed to be hanging out with them. Maybe we can’t get rid of all our distractions or put away technology completely, but just taking the time tolook up could vastly improve our communication with each other.

4. Tailor Your Message to Your Audience

The best communicators adjust how they talk based on whom they’re speaking to; you’d probably use a different style of communication with co-workers or your boss compared to when you’re speaking with your significant other, kids, or elders. Always try to keep the other person’s perspective in mind when you try to get your message across.

3. Be Brief Yet Specific

There’s actually a BRIEF acronym—Background, Reason, Information, End, Follow-up—to help you keep your emails short without leaving anything out. It’s a good policy for both writtena nd verbal communication (I’ve always felt that my job as a writer was to clearly get the point across and then get off the page as soon as possible. Just two more items on this list!) Clear and concise are two of the 7 Cs of communication, along with concrete, correct, coherent, complete, and courteous.

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2. Up Your Empathy

Communication is a two-way street. If you practice taking the opposing viewpoint, you can reduce the difficulty and anxiety that sometimes arises when trying to truly communicate with others. (For example, knowing what your significant other really means when she says she’s too tired to talk.) Developing empathy helps you better understand even the unspoken parts of your communication with others, and helps you respond more effectively.

1. Listen, Really Listen

Finally, going hand-in-hand with most of the points above, the best thing you can do to improve your communication skills is to learn to really listen—to pay attention and let the other person talk without interrupting. It’s hard work, we know, but “A good conversation is a bunch of words elegantly connected with listening.” Then, even if your communication styles don’t match, at least you’re both working off the same page. And hopefully the other person will be attentively listening to you too.

Resource: http://lifehacker.com/

10 Things Successful People Do Before Breakfast

Have you ever thought that your day could go better if you only knew how to start it? Beginning the day on the right foot usually means the difference between a day full of wasted opportunities and a day brimming with possibilities. Laura Vanderkam, an expert in time management and the author of What the Most Successful People Do Before Breakfast, stresses that prioritizing your most important tasks for the beginning of the day is critical in finding professional success.

So, how do you do start the day off right? One crucial step is to take advantage of the science behind these successful habits. Vanderkam cites the findings of a Florida State University psychology professor, Roy Baumeister, who discovered that willpower, like muscles, becomes fatigued from overuse. Baumeister points out that diets fall apart in the evenings, and that other problems with poor self-control such as lapses in decision-making also come later in the day. On the other hand, early mornings are usually when you have the willpower, optimism, and energy required to tackle the most challenging tasks.

If you truly want to follow in the footsteps of the most successful people, you need to realize that time is a precious commodity. Take advantage of every moment of your day. You should examine what you normally do before breakfast, and see how well it aligns with these 10 things the most successful people do before breakfast.

1. They wake up early

Time has the strange tendency of running away from you, and successful people often watch their days become consumed by phone calls, meetings, and emergencies from the moment they walk into the office. Early mornings, on the other hand, are much easier to control. This is why some of the most successful people in the world wake up before the sun rises, squeezing as much time out of their day as they can.

Vanderkam polled 20 executives, and found that 90 percent of them wake up before 6 a.m. on weekdays. For example, Disney CEO Bob Iger gets up before 4:30 a.m. every day to read, and PepsiCo CEO Indra Nooyi is up even earlier, at 4 a.m.

2. They express gratitude

When you wake up and open your eyes, do you think about how grateful you are, or do you moan about having to get started with another day? Some of the most successful people begin their day by reflecting on how good they have it, not on how stressful and terrible the day ahead will be. Positive reflection helps you correctly set your attitude before your feet even hit the floor, paving the way for an optimistic and enthusiastic day at work. According to a pharmaceutical executive Vanderkam interviewed, this intentional show of gratitude gives her a clear vision of not only her own day, but of her staff’s as well.

Sebastian Juarez, CEO and cofounder of eTips, agrees with this. He says that when he wakes up, he tries “to think on simple things that I am truly grateful for, like having such a great family, living in a beautiful place, anything I can be thankful for. That helps me a lot on having a positive attitude during the day.”

3. They find a purpose for the day

If you want to lead a fulfilling day, it has to have purpose. This should be something that goes beyond your normal to-do list as an executive, and be that “thing” that gets you really jazzed up and excited for the day. At the end of the day when you’re reflecting on what you’ve done, it should be something that makes you feel that you’ve accomplished a lot in just a little time.

Gary Rawding, chairman and CEO of myServiceForce, tries to do this every day. “It is the thing that gets me excited,” he says, “and at the end of the day makes me feel satisfied. I like to have that ‘thing’ even before I get out of bed. That makes the day a blast.”

4. They make their beds

Charles Duhigg, author of The Power of Habit, says that making your bed every morning is correlated with increased productivity. This is a “keystone habit,” he writes, that will set off a chain reaction of other good habits. In other words, making your bed doesn’t magically make you get more work done, but it does set the day up for increased productivity and motivation. It only takes a moment or two, but it can yield hours of increased productivity throughout the day.

As even more evidence of the power of bed-making, Psychology Today’s Judy Dutton says that people who make their beds are “more likely to like their jobs, own a home, exercise regularly, and feel well rested, whereas non-bed-makers hate their jobs, rent apartments, avoid the gym, and wake up tired.”

5. They list what they want to accomplish for the day

You can’t properly face the day unless you’re armed with the knowledge of what’s in store and what you need to get done. By outlining what needs accomplished, you can set yourself up for a day of success and productivity, instead of playing catch-up with all of the things you’ve forgotten about. Planning your day early in the morning helps stay you on track once your hectic work hours have set in.

You can create your checklist on a simple piece of paper, or you can use Evernote or some other GTD app. The most important thing here is consistency in making sure you do it every day. As you complete tasks, check them off so you know what you’ve accomplished and what’s left to do.

Kacie Gonzalez, Vice President of Business Development for Shoto, says this list should include not just work-related things, “but also personal tasks like trying that new class at the gym or cooking dinner.” She points out that before beginning a new list for the day, you should look over the previous day’s list to see what didn’t get finished. That way, you won’t forget about it, because it will still be on your radar.

6. They read a newspaper

Jeff Immelt, CEO of GE, starts every day with a cardio workout, and then reads the newspaper and watches CNBC. Virgin America CEO David Cush listens to sports radio and reads the newspaper while he’s on the stationary bicycle at the gym.

It doesn’t matter if you read the newspaper or check Twitter from your phone, or get the news from a diner booth or your living room sofa, if you have a pre-breakfast routine that includes scanning the latest headlines, you’re standing in good company with most successful people.

7. They do a first check of their email

Some time management gurus say you should procrastinate on your email as long as possible, but a recent survey found that the first thing most executives do in the morning is an email check. It might just be a quick browse of your inbox for messages that need your immediate attention, or maybe it’s a good opportunity to compose a few important emails. Either way, tackling it early means you can better focus on your inbox and what needs your attention while your mind is fresh.

Think seriously about this. Can you properly organize your day if you don’t know what needs to be done? By zeroing out your inbox early, you can better plan what stills needs to be accomplished. The Happiness Projectauthor Gretchen Rubin points out that getting her inbox cleared from the start makes it easier to focus on more challenging projects later on in the day.

8. They spend time connecting with their spouses

Mornings are usually the best time to connect with your spouse. By the time evening rolls around you’re already exhausted from the day’s activities, and you might even be more tired after taking care of dinner. Then, of course, you’ll want to unwind a bit before going to bed. That’s why many successful people make sure they spend time connecting with their partners as part of their morning ritual.

Vanderkam points out that while this early morning connection could certainly take a frisky turn, it doesn’t have to. One executive she spoke with commutes into New York City from the suburbs every morning, using the hour-long trip to talk about their lives, plans for the week, household to-do lists, finances, and other important topics.

9. They clear their minds with meditation exercises

This one may sound a bit “New Agey”, but the theories behind it are definitely sound. Successful people typically have ‘Type A’ personalities, and demand as much from others as they do from themselves. This can make it difficult for them to break ties with their mental to-do lists, so they need some way to reduce the mental clutter. Many successful people, for this very reason, center themselves for the rush of the day with a morning meditation or prayer.

Manisha Thakor, a former corporate executive and current financial advisor, finds that meditation to clear her mind works wonders for her productivity. In fact, she has found the routine to be “one of the most life-enhancing practices” she’s ever adopted.

10. They meet up with people for coffee

If you want to make it home for dinner but still need to network with people, having coffee or breakfast before heading into the office is a great choice. A networking breakfast is less disruptive to your day than lunch, and Vandermkam points out they’re also more likely to stay work-oriented than cocktail parties.

Christopher Colvin, an entrepreneur and lawyer from New York, attends a networking breakfast every Wednesday. He thinks this is the ideal time for networking, because “I feel I’m fresher and more creative in the mornings. By the end of the day my mind is more cluttered.”

Resource:lifehack.org

16 Personal Development Goals That Will Make You Happier and Sexier

One of the best decisions you can make is to engage in continuous self-development.

We all want to enhance the quality of our lives, become better people, achieve more, and overall be better rounded individuals. That’s why we set personal development goals. Below you’ll discover 16 personal development goals that will make you happier and sexier.

1. Become More Confident. In his book, “The Magic Lamp”, Keith Ellis refers to a study conducted in 1921 by Dr. Lewis Terman of Stanford University involving over 1,500 gifted children. The study revealed that IQ is not the most important ingredient for success. Instead, Terman found that there were three factors that were much more important than intelligence in determining success. One of these factors was self-confidence (the other two were setting goals and persevering).

Your self-esteem, or your self-confidence, is basically what you think about yourself: how competent you think you are in dealing with life’s challenges, and how worthy you feel of happiness and success. One of the reasons why bolstering your self-confidence is important is because is there’s a strong correlation between confidence and success.

Therefore, one of your self-development goals should be to increase your self-confidence.

2. Improve Your Body Language. Body language is nonverbal communication which involves gestures and movements. Studies have shown that the right body language can help you with all of the following:

• It can help you to connect with others and get your message across more effectively.
• It can communicate confidence and assertiveness.
• The right body postures can make you more persistent.
• Certain body postures can improve your performance.

You can read about seven ways in which body language can positively influence your life here.

3. Learn to Get Along With Others. Yesterday I was watching  a TV show called “Person of Interest”. One of the main characters–Reese–is working as a detective and his supervisor tells hims that he has to start meeting with a psychologist. During his first appointment Reese does the following:

• He takes coffee for the psychologist.
• He notices a photograph of the psychologist with her cat and initiates a conversation about the animal.
• He leans in when he talks to her and tells her a personal story.

The psychologist quickly calls him on it: He was trying to manipulate her by giving her a gift, talking to her about her interests, and simulating trust and closeness.

I’m telling you this story as an illustration that there are things that you can do to create rapport with others. Of course, you should be honest and your objective shouldn’t be to manipulate other people, but it’s always a good idea to learn ways in which you can better relate and get along with others.

4. Stop Procrastinating. Procrastination has been called the thief of time, opportunity’s assassin, and the grave in which dreams are buried. Fortunately, procrastination is not a character trait, but a habit. And just as you learned the habit of procrastination, you can unlearn it. Make better use of the time that you have by overcoming procrastination.

5. Become an Early Riser. There are many benefits to becoming an early riser, including watching the sun rise, getting some early morning exercise, being able to work on a project just because it’s important to you before the day officially gets started, and so on. In addition, studies show that early rises are happier, healthier, and more productive than their late rising counterparts.

6. Become More Proactive. In his best-selling book “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People”, Stephen R. Covey explains that the first habit of people who accomplish what they set out to do is that they’re proactive. Proactive people do the following:

• They see themselves as being the creators of their lives.
• They don’t identify themselves as victims of external conditions.
• They don’t allow others to dictate their fate.
• They take responsibility for the results that they get.

If you’re going to create the life that you want for yourself, you need to be proactive.

7. Acquire Conflict Resolution Skills. Conflict is a part of life. After all, people can’t be expected to agree on everything (I once read that if two people always agree, one of them isn’t necessary). The question is whether conflict–when it arises–will be resolved effectively or lead to discord.

Having the ability to resolve disagreements rationally and settle disputes amicably will make you happier and more successful.

8. Release the Past. Most of us are haunted by the ghosts of our past: that opportunity that we let slip by; those kids who bullied us in the playground; that love interest who left us for someone else; that professor who graded us unfairly; that parent who was constantly putting us down; and so on. In order to be happy in the present, we each need to release the ghosts of the past.

9. Read More. You may have heard that knowledge is power, and one of the best ways to acquire knowledge is by reading. In addition, researchers have found that gaining new knowledge can satisfy our need for competence, which makes us happier.

Read books that will help you to learn skills that will allow you to do better in life. Here are three examples:

• Read business books to improve your performance at work;
• Read parenting books to be a better parent; and
• Read personal development books to become better at setting goals, coping with setbacks, dealing with perfectionism, and so on.

10. Become More Resilient. Resilience is the ability to overcome adversity. It’s the difference between facing your problems bravely and confidently, and feeling helpless and like you can’t move on. Fortunately, you can learn how to bounce back from any problem or challenge stronger and smarter.

11. Manage Stress Effectively. Stress is the body’s reaction to anything that requires a response. Feeling stress can keep us alert and motivate us to pursue our goals. However, if there’s too much stress this can lead to distress. Distress can cause headaches, elevated blood pressure, and chest pain. It can lead you to have problems sleeping and can even make you sick.

Knowing how to manage stress effectively–using good stress to learn and grow, and being able to release stress once it starts to reach a negative level–is vital for personal development.

12. Overcome Limiting Beliefs. Limiting beliefs keep us trapped in our comfort zone and prevent us from trying new things and taking risks for fear of getting hurt. We can have limiting beliefs about anything–money, success, relationships, and so on. You can even have limiting beliefs about yourself and what you’re capable of.

Allowing limiting beliefs to hold you back is not sexy, and it certainly will not make you happy. Identify your limiting beliefs, overcome them, and replace them with positive beliefs that will allow you to achieve what you want from life.

13. Increase Your Willpower. Willpower is essential to your ability to accomplish anything worthwhile. It influences your health, your finances, your relationships, your professional success, and all other areas of your life. Whatever goals you’ve set for yourself, you need willpower in order to achieve them.

14. Become More Mindful. Being mindful helps us to recognize the abundance and the good that is already present in our lives. However, we spend a lot of time thinking about things that aren’t happening in the present moment: remembering the past or thinking about the future. This is called mind wandering. In addition, psychologists have found that mind wandering makes us unhappy.

An important component of happiness is learning to live in the moment; that is, becoming more mindful.

15. Learn to Make Better Decisions. I’ve written several posts on this blog on how to make better decisions. That’s because the choices–or the decisions we make–determine the quality of our lives and the outcomes that we get. Our decisions shape our lives, so the better you get at making decision, the better your life will be.

16. Work on Your Attitude. Your attitude is your state of mind. It’s also the way in which you respond to situations and to other people. One of the best ways to get what you want from life is to constantly adopt the attitude that is most conducive to getting you what you want.

Conclusion

Live your best life by setting personal goals that make you a better person. The 16 personal development goals explained above are a good start.

Resource:daringtolivefully.com